Learn the power of “no” and how to stop people-pleasing

Developing the ability to say no at work reduces stress, workload and regains control 

“Every Saturday I find my neighbour’s chocolate labrador sitting on my doorstep waiting for me to take it for a walk.” I coached someone recently who told me she found saying no very difficult. Her devotion to another’s cause was also indicative of how she was at work, taking on extra responsibility, feeling obliged to accommodate all her line manager’s requests - being a people pleaser.

While being helpful and agreeable can be advantageous at work, saying "yes" to everything is unsustainable and can lead to burnout, resentment, and a lack of professional boundaries. Here are some useful and practical tips to develop the power of no and regain control of your work/life.

Recognize the signs of people-pleasing behaviour. This includes saying "yes" out of a fear of rejection, a need for approval, or a desire to avoid conflict. Common signs include agreeing to extra tasks even when you're overwhelmed, feeling guilty when you can't accommodate someone’s request, going out of your way to make others happy at the expense of your own workload, frequently apologizing even when you haven't done anything wrong, and feeling anxious about how others perceive you.

Understand the consequences of saying "yes" too often could mean less time for your own projects, personal development, or even rest.  

Embrace the discomfort. Learning to say "no" can be uncomfortable, especially at first. You may worry about disappointing others or damaging relationships. However, discomfort is a natural part of growth, and over time, it will lessen as you get used to setting boundaries.

Reframe how you view "no". Many people pleasers feel that saying "no" is harsh or rude. But the truth is, "no" is a complete sentence and a powerful tool for setting boundaries.

Try the DESC Model. Originally developed by psychologist Sharon Anthony Bower and communication expert Gordon H. Bower for conflict resolution, the DESC acronym stands for Describe, Express, Specify, and Consequences, and provides a structured way to say "no" respectfully while maintaining professional relationships.

Describe the situation objectively and factually. This helps to establish a shared understanding of the context, without emotional overtones or judgements. The key here is to remain neutral and factual, focusing on the task or request at hand. Example:  "I’ve noticed that you’ve asked me to help with this project, even though I’m already managing several high-priority tasks."

Express your feelings and perspective after describing the situation, share how it affects you. This step allows you to express your concerns or constraints without blaming or accusing others.  Example: "I’m concerned that if I take on this additional work, I won’t be able to complete my current responsibilities on time or at the quality level that’s expected."

Specify your limits. It’s where you clearly say "no" to the request or propose an alternative that still meets the other person’s needs without overburdening yourself.  Example: "Unfortunately, I can’t take this on right now, but I can help you find someone else who may have availability, or I can assist later once my current project is completed."

State the potential positive or negative consequences of respecting your boundary. This emphasizes the mutual benefits of setting limits, helping others understand the impact of your decision on productivity, timelines, and overall work quality. Example: "By keeping my focus on my current workload, I can ensure everything gets done on time and at a high standard, which is important for the team’s success."

Advocates of the DESC Model reckon it works because it provides clarity of message, is respectful in tone, focuses on problem solving rather than blaming, plus it reinforces the importance of self-care and prioritization, which is essential in avoiding burnout.

Coaching my client to change deep-rooted thinking and behaviours using some of these tools, she is now enjoying her job immensely, as well as finding time for herself and her own projects. Significantly, there is no longer a chocolate lab sitting on her doorstep that doesn’t belong to her, expecting to be walked.